I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I believe in your delicious
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
i am craving dick and cupcakes
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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