My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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