I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
