We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
