Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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