here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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