I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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