the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
