You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
