Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
