i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
