it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
