Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
