the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
