We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
