smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
