I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
