textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
