I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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