Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm going to jail i love you
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
