There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
soo... how was my night?
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