Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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