omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
