you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
