Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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