You're my little dorito
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
