did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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