Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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