if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
