Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
