I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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