coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
