Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Randomize
