I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
