every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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