Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
