I'm eating all of the evidence.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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