My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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