So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
