Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
