saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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