I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
