swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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