hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
