He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
