So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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