I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
