im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
