gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
