why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
