You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
