So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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