My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
