just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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