why im i the only drunk person in the library?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
