im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
